Domestic violence

In our last edition, we broached the topic of men being abused by the women in their life. This week, Swagger Essentials will talk about women being the victims of domestic abuse.

In news that shook the nation, famous celebrity Rihanna was reportedly assaulted and put in life-threatening situations by longtime boyfriend, Chris Brown, also a superstar in his own right. Once seen as Hollywood’s powerful young couple, the unfortunate incident shatters the public perception of the dream team. Pictures of a badly battered Rihanna surfaced on the web, upsetting both fans and women rights groups. Fanning the flames, we learnt that the assault wasn’t a one-time affair; Rihanna filed a slew of reports against Brown, shedding light on a haunting domestic violence episode.

Where it was once thought that only “weak” and submissive women would bend to the maltreatment of the male figures, the Rihanna/Chris Brown incident brought attention to a burning realization. Successful women are equally susceptible to abuse as any other woman. Women who are well respected in their workplaces or social groups can actually be victims hiding behind a façade. A woman of swagger can be subject to unreasonable ultimatums and abuse. What goes on behind closed doors is her secret and her secret only.

Abuse can come in many forms: physical, emotional, verbal and even sexual. The antagonist could be a husband, boyfriend or even a son. While the outburst episode is usually only ephemeral, the damage inflicted to the soul is irrevocable. Instead of opening up and seeking help, these women choose to writhe in silent agony. Ashamed and unable to extricate from their predicaments, they cave in to such execrable behaviors because they have no one else to turn to.

Victims of abuse suffer severe repercussions. Over time, the victims begin to believe that they deserve the unfair treatment, and they take the blame upon themselves. They begin to develop paranoia and grow fearful of things. They brink on the verge of depression and they think less of their achievements.

While it is easy to pass judgment as a third party and think that these women are stupid and naïve for allowing themselves to get hurt, we need to understand their plight. Some of these women are in love with their perpetrators. Weighing the pros and cons i.e. “he is a sweet guy, really”, they trivialize the beatings and the abuse. They forgive these men when they apologize profusely and they are hopeful that it won’t happen again. A mother with a son of abusive nature is likely to give in to his demands. Because of her unconditional love, she chooses to forgive and forget and allows her sons his malevolent ways.

If you are a victim of domestic violence, it’s time to listen. To quote Oprah: “if a man hits you once, he will hit you again”. A man who hits you does not love you. A man who hurls verbal abuse at you does not respect you. He is nothing more than a ticking time bomb; his next attack will come the minute his mood undulates.

Only you can make the choice to leave him. Love yourself first. You do not deserve the tormenting pain; no one does. Ending your painful journey can be difficult but it doesn’t have to be a solo trip. Relate your situation to the person you trust the most. Readily available are domestic violence help lines and women shelters, so if you feel uncomfortable talking to a closed one, reach out to these experienced parties for help.

When it is time to leave, it is best that you make a clean exit. Wipe out any trace of communication links; call history, emails, anything that will allow your abuser to track you down. Be sure to retrieve all important documents such as birth certificate and any other dossier.

If need be, you might want to contact the authorities. Men of an abusive nature aren’t likely to take your decision lightly. They will fly into an outrage and go to lengths to hunt you down. If you are unable to “vanish from the face of earth”, seek the protection of your local policemen; ensure that your safety isn’t placed in jeopardy. File a restraining order. Seek refuge at a trustable friend or family’s house.

Once you begin to settle on your new lease of life, it is important that you do not embark on your road to recovery alone. Do not be ashamed to turn to professional help. Counseling is the key to recovery. Talk about how you are dealing with your situation. Know that your past is behind you and that you are finally freed.